4 Lessons in Business Leadership I’ve Learned from…The Bachelorette?
Reality TV may be an odd place to find lessons for business leaders, but here we are. After watching many seasons of The Bachelorette, I can see how the need to collaborate in competitive environments affects the choices people make to be successful. There are uncanny similarities between the contestants’ show dynamics and those of workplace colleagues that reveal actions we can embrace to prevent replicating the failures we see on-screen in our office.
On the show, three distinct competitor groups consistently emerge under the game’s pressure. I’ve fondly named them the: 1) Authentics, 2) Attention Seekers, and 3) Game Players. Generally contestants stay in these lanes, with the producers and editors steering their narratives.
The Authentics (As) are driven by the mission of the show: to find love. They think that by following the rules, being honest and vulnerable that they will be successful. A’s believe they are “in it to win it” for the right reasons, and may be susceptible to falling for the traps set by one of the other two groups.
The Attention Seekers (ATs) are a less clear-cut cohort, ranging from overly emotional to high-drama inducing personalities looking for their 15 minutes. This group’s members may also hang around longer because the producers like the drama they provide. They aren’t going to win, but they make great TV.
The Game Players (GPs) have their eyes on the prize and take calculated steps to win. A majority don’t share their cards too soon. They also run the risk of getting lost in their competitive style just for the sake of #winning. They may manipulate their fellow suitors, and sometimes even the Bachelorette, taking power from the person who would seemingly own it.
Now overlay these groups in your current workplace or one from the past. Can you think of circumstances where you’ve played one of these roles? Your peers? Your boss? Truth be told, regardless of who you think you are, coworkers’ perceptions are the #reality on the job. They define you the same way editors do for The Bachelorette contestants.
It took me years of trial-and-error to understand how to play the game while still being an authentic team member and leader. I learned there is a sweet-spot between efficacy and likability, where spending significant time navigating around GPs isn’t necessary and avoiding being an AT’s target for theatrics is possible.
Here are 4 leadership recommendations for making the most of your career journey:
1) Stop Talking About the Competition; Focus on You
We see it happen on the show again and again. Those who obsess about their competitors and not their own performance are The Bachelorette losers every, single, time. I can think of several instances in the past when I lost time with my supervisors, mentors, and peers giving airtime to a GP. I now know I could have used those valuable opportunities for so much more. Yet, at the time, I couldn’t understand how the GP was manipulating others and being rewarded for bad behavior because business objectives were being met. I truly thought surfacing it directly, and later with others, would improve the situation.
Despite my good intentions, was I acting as a GP due to the high-emotion driving these conversations? Likely! The anti-GP solution is always to focus on yourself. My social science background should have guided me here. Any gossip, positive or not, reduces your perceived liking and attraction from another. And if I were on The Bachelorette, I would be walked out with an awkward hug.
2) Don’t minimize coworker’s feedback about undercover ATs/GPs — Listen, Empathize, and Evaluate
When a house full of strangers is calling out one of their own to the Bachelorette, it’s not a fluke. I see this now from experience. Once in a meeting with direct reports, I realized I had inadvertently defended the poor behavior of an employee who was an undercover GP by minimizing this team’s feedback. The GP was delivering on business goals and managing up to me well. I was not fully aware of the frustration and dishonesty that they had been brewing across multiple teams.
I later understood my reaction had been learned, mirroring what a former mentor had done for me when I was in a similar situation. “Stop worrying about that person! Who cares! You do a great job”, she advised. I believe her intention was to reduce my concern, but it had the unintended effect of gaslighting me. And if HR was aware and continued not to do anything, was I the one overreacting? Not being supported, or at least heard, by my leadership was a horrible feeling.
Listen, empathize, and evaluate data points given to you by team members, and most importantly, take action when needed. I now understand the attraction to downplay team members’ feelings about challenging coworkers while focused on running a business — it’s easy when you hold the roses.
3) Stop Overinvesting in ATs and Difficult GPs
Many of those with difficult personalities or work styles who are delivering on business goals but undermine those all around them need to be sent home — without a rose. Certainly someone should be given the opportunity to flex within their ability to address feedback, but a reasonable timeline for improvement must be communicated and adhered to for the sake of “the house” or unnecessary politics will undoubtedly ensue.
There is too much talent who can add to your culture rather than pollute it. Show these detractors the door rather than an investment of high-cost executive coaches who should be the reward for respected high-performers. Why keep giving these folks roses?
4) Beware of the Private Apology, but Public Defiance of the Game Player
Contestants making pleas to improve behavior to the Bachelorette and reverting to poor choices with the team later seems to have been plucked right out of my earlier career. In one case, I fell for tearful 1-on-1 apologies (with hugs!) from one peer in particular, just to see their true colors revealed again and again in public settings. If a coworker won’t course correct in front of an audience, they are a Game Player, and you’ve been played. Once you’ve identified them as such, stay clear whenever possible and focus on lesson #1. While you want to believe they have good intentions, your intuition knows better, especially by the third time you find yourself under the black SUV.
Like the season finale result of each Bachelorette, leaders are only as good as those to whom we give our final roses. If we make the wrong choices, we may end up seeing our packed bags rolled out of the house…or being cast on Bachelor in Paradise, but that’s another article.
